Episode 32-Breaking the Program: Redefining Success & Happiness with Cristin Meyer

00:01
Welcome to the War on Dad Bods podcast. Today we're here with Kristin Meyer. Have you ever found yourself stuck, depressed, unmotivated? Did you know that? Little habits can shift your entire day and give you a sense of purpose.

00:18
Today we're going to talk to Kristin, who has got a lot of experience dealing with personal relationship and family issues, a little bit about her background. And then Kristin, I'll let you say more, but, um, they're kind of two types of professionals out there.

00:35
There's the kind that is really good at marketing themselves and spends all day advertising and taking you down a funnel. And then they sell you on a call. That's not what Kristin does. What Kristin does is she works with people a lot and then people refer her business.

00:49
And if she's available and you qualify, then she will work with you. Um, but she, my point is she's got a ton of personal experience and that's what we're going to tap into today. Kristin, welcome to the podcast.

01:00
Hi, Matt. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here. Um, just to kind of get started, let's ask you what attracted you to your career. What exactly is your profession and, um, what separates you from other people?

01:14
Well, let's see. I just loved the idea of helping people. Um, a lot of people helped me in my childhood with some different trauma that I went through. And so as I became a young adult and decided just like was picking my college path, I was like, I want to help people.

01:31
I don't want to do this. So I got into human services for my undergrad and, um, I then worked as a family-based therapist for a couple of years. And then I got my masters, um, and social work and became licensed in that.

01:46
And so I was just working heavily in the mental health world and I was going into people's homes through the family-based therapy or yeah, family-based therapy. It's, um, it's pretty intensive. It's like an eight month.

02:00
program. And it's basically the kid is your client, and you are helping and hoping that you can work with him and get the behaviors managed. So he's not placed out of the home, him or her is in place out of the home.

02:14
And in doing that, is when I realized like, there's something missing here, like this isn't, like, I would come into home and homes and parents are like, fix my kid. And I'm like, okay, and I'm young, not married, didn't have children of my own at the time.

02:30
And it was a little bit intimidating, you know, but I know I had the education and the experience, you know, through through my education, and then just the longer you do it, you get experience. But I came to realize that, um, it wasn't the kids that needed to do all the changing.

02:46
There really was the like parental structure. And it starts just like anything else. It starts from the head, right? Like we need to see change from leadership and at the top. And then that'll trickle down into how everybody falls in lines or you know, how it all how the whole system works.

03:04
And so I actually I got burned out, I honestly did I'll be for real, I got so burned out mentally that I took a pause from family based and I got married. And when I got married, my husband had a seven year old son.

03:21
And so I immediately became a stepmom. And that was like, that was a big role to step into being a parent, I think is one of the hardest jobs out there being a step parent is like double the challenge just because of all the things that come with it.

03:36
But um, I so we started a family. And that was kind of what I was focused on was just our family, we started a business to my husband and I own a business. So we were just like in that world and working on blending our family, which was, it took a lot of work, like I think anything that is worth anything and that matters like you got to put work in.

03:55
If you want to see change and growth, you have to do work. Nothing just comes like, you know, without putting work in. So we're in a great place. And we decided then to start having some kids of our own.

04:06
So we had two more boys, and they were 20, they're 22 months apart. And so between those pregnancies, I guess I decided to become a performance coach, I realized that I'd love to use my skills and my background, but just channel it in a different way.

04:23
I wanted to work with people that were motivated to change and not necessarily like mandated through the court to go through therapy. And so I became a performance coach and my niche that I kind of focus on his family's systems and marriage and parenting.

04:40
And so that's what I'm currently doing. I'm a parenting coach. I see clients through that, like Avenue. And I also work with marriage, like people that are wanting to strengthen their marriage. But I primarily work with adults now.

04:52
I'm not working with kids too much. I also homeschool our boys. They're in first and second grade now. Our oldest is now almost, he'll be 22 in April. And it's amazing to just see how well, I'm so proud of him.

05:06
So incredibly proud of him, how well he's doing in a really challenging season of life. I think your twenties is like for everybody, like buckle down and good luck, right? So you're working with parents now in relationships, in marriages, and then with parenting.

05:26
And after you've kind of had so many conversations with so many parents, surely a lot of the same patterns will jump up. What's something that you can see with your experience that most people just wouldn't be able to see?

05:41
Hmm. Well, I'm a big believer that like, not everybody is for everybody. Right. So like, I think we'll just start with that. Like, I'm in my coaching practice, like I'm really big on like, let's see if this is a good fit.

05:57
Like, I'm a good fit for you. And you're a good fit for my practice too. So I think starting there, like if anyone's like seeking to grow in this area of their life, I think that's super important to remember that like, if you feel like you don't connect with somebody, like listen to that feeling and like, you know, try a different like person, there's so many people in the world, like, that's okay,

06:19
you know, and so, but I think what makes me different a little bit is that I have that background of both therapy and coaching. And so my approach is like, I am working in the coaching space for sure.

06:36
Which is very much like forward focus, like goal setting, and my clients, I laugh, I like send them home with homework every week, because you need to have action, like there needs to be action steps.

06:47
We're not just going to talk about how you feel. That is important. But we're going to talk about like, what can you do? What are some things you can actually do that are tangible to see change in this area?

06:59
So I guess but at the same time, like, it would it's almost impossible for me to take my therapist hat completely off. Like that, that stuff is still in the back of my head. And so sometimes in the questions that I'll ask clients, or the approach that I might take in my practice is has like some therapy background.

07:19
So I think that might make me a little bit different than just a straight up performance coach. So yeah, so you said people should they should like try out coaches and therapists until they find one that really fits and really resonates.

07:34
I mean, I think it's taken me always like three or four to like, and that's in different sectors at different time. And then something that you mentioned about the work that they have to do. So I think what some people criticize therapy in general, because as long as they've still got a problem, then I've still got a client, you know.

07:56
And I've observed your work and I've seen how, you know, you're trying to get people through a situation so that they actually don't need you and you actually do that. I'm not sure if that's common practice.

08:09
Yes, that's a good point, Matt. I agree. Yeah, I work myself out of a job very quickly. And I kind of joke with my friends and family that like, I'm the laziest worker. Because I like, and it's a joke, because like, I'm trying to, like, how can we get you to the best place with like, not the least amount of work, but like, let's go hard and work deep and get it done.

08:35
And let's, you know, let's not like, like sugar coat things or I don't know, like, let's not fluff it up just to like, just to see each other on a zoom call like, I want you to like go live your life you know I want you to take this and then like go apply it versus Yeah, come into me year after year and and everybody's different like I don't think in saying that I don't think it's wrong either or it's a negative thing that people can see a therapist for years on end like everybody's stories different everybody's need is different.

09:07
I personally have a therapist that I've worked with for 20 plus years she's been like my therapist that I go and talk to when things in my life get hard. And it hasn't been 20 years, like, in a row, right, it's like I different times and different seasons in life I check in with her, and she's my person that I can share in that space with.

09:30
But yeah, everybody's different right their need is different. And what season you're in and also I think a big part of this is, is kind of why I like switch to coaching to is everybody's mentality is different like what how you're showing up as a client is different than, than others right so like some people want, it's not even one like, I feel like there's just strengths and weaknesses maybe to where like you're able to process things,

10:02
and where some people have a different perspective of themselves, and they may not be able to see what needs to be processed so that can take longer. Right because as a therapist or as a coach it's not my job to like tell you about yourself.

10:17
Like I'm not doing that like it's your job especially in coaching to work through that and figure that out. But if somebody self awareness isn't there. Yeah, you could be in therapy for years. Put you on the spot here.

10:34
So let's say having a conversation with with a client and you're trying to figure out if they're ready to grow. and move forward or if they're kind of stuck in there and they're fixed. What might be the sort of response that a fixed mindset would respond with?

10:48
What might be something that somebody with more of a growth mindset would respond with? How the client would respond? Yeah. Okay. Well, a fixed mindset would be I've tried that and I've tried everything and nothing works.

11:05
A growth mindset would be I'm willing to try anything to change this behavior. Just like, that's a simple example of that. That's accurate. So based off your experience, what is not common knowledge?

11:27
So we see stuff out there on podcasts and coaching in groups. What's not common knowledge? I think you said people tend to isolate themselves. Um, talk to me about that for a second. Um, wait, ask this again.

11:45
Sorry. What are you, what are you asking me? What's not common knowledge? Like, we're talking about how people tend to isolate themselves. Like, do they even like have a connection with their family with their wife with their kids?

11:58
Are they stuck in this like mundane routine? Or like, are they actually doing stuff to like grow out of it? Yes, yes. So, yeah, I think in my like line of work, I've run into clients where they're at a stake, they're coming to me because they're saying there has to be something more.

12:21
Like, there has to be more than this. Like, there, I feel like there's these pro I'm a big believer in programs, right? Like, programs, meaning like we are programmed to, you know, do this, we're programmed to do that, like, there's like a thing that we don't even realize we're doing, but all of us do it.

12:39
And one of them, let's just say, for instance, like the school system, right, we're programmed that you start kindergarten at five or six, and then your school for, you know, however many years there until you're 18.

12:48
And then your program to, okay, apply to college, we're getting a little bit away from that more now to where people are, you know, looking into trades or going to into work, college isn't like the answer that it used to be.

13:00
But some form of like, continued education, and then you get a job, and then you get married, and then you should have kids. And then, you know, you should buy a house and like, you know, there's this like sequence of life and how we live.

13:16
And what measures success, right? Like what measures you, I having a successful life, or even having happiness, some like simple words like that, what, what makes what measures that like your life is good, in your eyes, right?

13:34
Those are just such simple things we can say and talk about. And it's, we can be programmed even to think like, well, I went to college, or, you know, I got a degree, I found this person, I did this, right?

13:47
And then, and like the opposite too, we can say, I'm failing because I didn't go to college. I'm a horrible at this because I haven't gotten married or found somebody, or man, my life, my life sucks because I can't have kids.

14:01
Like we can like equate all this stuff to like, that's what matters, right? And I think, let's talk about the positive in a sense, right? Let's talk about somebody who like, has done the program, has checked the boxes, and they get up every morning and they're miserable.

14:19
Programmed happiness, you should be happy. I mean, you've done everything they told you to do. Right, right? Like your life is great. You have a house, you have a good job, you have kids, you have a happy wife or husband, like, what's missing, right?

14:33
And so I think. clients have come to me where it's like, I'm feeling this just kind of like going through the motions like I'm just like living life and, and not finding like, like a depth or a deeper purpose or joy.

14:50
And I don't know why. And I think like these things are a big problem, like a big part of it like we're just so like connected but disconnected right we're connected with like so many like resources and and social media and all the the world wide web like everything is there but yet we're not like checking in with our surroundings and the relationships that are right here in front of us.

15:15
And so that's something that I've definitely worked with couples specifically on is just like being more present with each other and finding like, what do you want, like what are you looking for, what are your like, what makes you tick, you know, like if you've checked all these boxes and you're still unfulfilled, what needs to change.

15:36
Yeah, like under under what conditions, would you be happy, if, yeah, and see happen like let's define what that is. And then I feel like sometimes people actually get there in the check those boxes and then they're not happy.

15:49
Yeah, but then some people will be like, like, like, like I trained a bunch of guys that they grind really hard to make a lot of money and when I retire when I'm this age, I'm going to go and be a high school teacher I'm like dude you're gonna do that for one day.

16:01
And then you're gonna hate it. And you're gonna realize this and that it's not going to work out. So like, get to XYZ sooner than later, and make sure that you actually want. Yes, yes. Yeah, one of the.

16:15
I don't think it's NPCU, but one of the like lessons that Jared talks about in his, and just like I think it's from his book. He talks about like the rat race and there's like four quadrants and it's basically like you.

16:32
Work hard right now do the rat race and then at the end like you will have pleasure in life, right? You'll get to do the things you want. Then there's another, the opposite of that is like, play, play, play, play, play right now.

16:42
And then at the end of life, you have to work cause you haven't saved anything. And then like the other ones are kind of a mix and a blend of that. And my husband and I actually took a course of his when we first got married.

16:53
And it was so great that we were able to learn like, okay, where do we want to fall? Like, what do we want to do? Do we want to like, like you said, like at the end, when I retire, I'll do the things I want to do.

17:04
Do we want to do that rat race? And we didn't think that like playing all the time and then working at the end was the right solution for us either. So we've tried to find this blend of like, how can we make a living for ourselves right now?

17:18
Doing the things we love, right? Like you need financial stability for sure. Everybody does. But doing the things we love intertwining in that. And then like the real winner is like when what you do that brings in the money is something that you love.

17:33
So like, how can you create that, right? Like, can you find, what do you love doing? Can you, can it become a job? Can it be what, you know, puts food on the table? Yeah. Oh, that's, that's when you're really flown.

17:47
Yeah. So in your marriage, homeschooling is interesting. What, what's like the number one thing or like, why is homeschooling so attractive? What do you love about it? Or what do you hate about traditional school that like, maybe people don't want to hear it, but like, what do they need to hear about that?

18:11
Oh, so I'll go back to like when Brandon and I got married, we created a business and the outcome of that, it wasn't to become like nationally known or it wasn't to become billionaires. The purpose in us starting our business was to get our time.

18:27
Time has, you can't place a value on time for us. Time is the most important thing to us. It's always been like one of our greatest about like the thing that we are working for and creating space for is how can we have more time together?

18:41
So when it came time for our, our, our oldest Lincoln to go to school, he did kindergarten, which was like half day. That was fine. Cause I still got that other half of the day with him. Right. But then when it was time for him to go to first grade, I'm like, hold on, I'm at home mostly.

18:59
Like I've created jobs for myself to where like, I create control my own schedule. I'm not working for like anybody else's time. Like everything I do is on my time. So I'm available. Why would I send him to school?

19:13
Why would I send him to other people to essentially like be a big part in raising him for eight hours? And it had nothing to do with like him like selfishly. It wasn't necessarily like what he, it wasn't like, like this was like what he wanted or what he didn't want.

19:31
Like it really, I mean, he was six. like, sorry, dude, like you're, you have an input, but not that much, like my job to like, you know, look out for what's best for you, me and Brandon's. And so, yeah, we just agreed that like the time that is taken away from the parents and the family system for kids to go to school just wasn't what we wanted, especially in these younger years, we wanted to be the biggest influence in their lives still.

20:01
And like, honestly, I'll never look back. Like it has been such a joy. I love it. Like it's definitely something that I look forward to every day. I love, like we have a school room in our home that is for school and that helped us.

20:16
That was something that really helped us because it just kind of like compartmentalize this. So it's like, okay, when we go to school, like it's in this room, some people love doing it all over their house.

20:23
Like you have to find whatever works for you and what like makes it the most like successful experience. I think one of the big concerns people have is like the socialization and like they're feeling left out, they're not connected to a group.

20:39
How do you have them do that? Yeah, that's definitely um, I feel like honestly, like I'm almost 40. And so I think that like when I was growing up, that was definitely the mindset around homeschooling.

20:54
It was like, oh, like there's those like kids that don't know how to talk to people like what is going on, you know, it was like this taboo that like, you know, um, dude, it is so different today. It is so different.

21:07
And I think COVID was like a big push in that like a lot of people started homeschooling throughout the COVID experience for whatever reason. And it is like this huge world. Now, I literally have to say no to social outings, or like engagements for them.

21:25
There are so many groups. I know it's different for everybody's location where you live. But where we're at, we're in like a small town in Western Pennsylvania. And we, I'm not getting you like every single day, we could be doing a socialized thing to where I have to say no, because like, we have to actually like do the work, you know, like we have to like do the book work.

21:46
We have a co op that we're a part of. We meet a certain day of the week, and for so many hours, and they're creating relationships there. And I think that is very important. Still, yes, you need to find relationships outside of your home that are pouring into your kids.

22:02
And I think it is important to to have other adults pouring into them as well. And at this co op, other adults are teaching them. So that's important too, because it can become a very isolating situation and an upbringing if you're not intentional with making those other connections and relationships.

22:22
But I really I'm a big believer talk about programs. I don't think homeschooling makes people like whatever you want to put on it like we're quiet, non social, like, that's going to happen no matter where you go to school, right, like you already are who you are, there's going to be these types of people, whether they're in public private homeschool wherever like the schooling education isn't what makes of homeschooling,

22:59
yes, like you have to push more to get them involved in sports, not really, honestly, you just sign them up for whatever sports they want to do. But then there's going to be people in my high school that like were very standoffish and to themselves and weren't social and they're in public school.

23:14
So the education isn't necessarily to me my beliefs, isn't what makes the person who they are there's so many other influences and factors that play into that. Yeah, like how would they get on like a high school sports team?

23:28
You know, like would the high school allow them to be on the team if they're not going to school every day? It's kind of a big question. Yeah, I mean, each state, I'm sure in like region is different.

23:37
But when I was in high school, I was on the swim team. And there was a boy that came to all of our practices. He was actually really good, sweetest guy, like he was really nice. He was out of school his whole life.

23:49
And like he did that. And yes, like, the typical rule is that they can join any similar to like, I think private schools, like if your private school doesn't offer that sport, you can join that your public school system.

24:04
So for instance, if the of the private school doesn't have like a volleyball team, you can join the public schools team. Um, kind of switching gears, we're talking to dedicated men who are who are parents.

24:17
Have you noticed? Have you noticed a difference between like people that work out versus people that don't work out and the quality of their relationships? Like in their marriages? Yeah. That's a good question.

24:34
Um, I feel like people that work out consistently. Honestly, that's a great question, Matt, because I feel like those are two different worlds, right? Like your, your physical world and working out and you're like, mental emotional world and your marriage.

24:55
They're very different. I mean, I personally can't speak to like statistics and like, what they can show. But um, the mindset, I think the biggest, to me, one of the biggest, um, like, how do I say this appropriately?

25:16
Like, not turn on, but basically, like the most, one of the most attractive things in a man is his willingness to change. and his willingness to say, I want to grow in this area. And so whether he's wanting to grow in his like physical health with working out or his mental and emotional health with his marriage and his relationship, that to me is like, let's go.

25:41
Like you can become anybody, anything. Like you don't have to be miserable. You don't have to be depressed. You don't have to have anxiety in the space anymore. Like if you're willing to like grow and cultivate and change this and see that like I play a part in this, like self-awareness is so huge.

25:58
I think in creating that growth, I think maybe that's how both worlds can like collide, right? Like you're wanting to grow this area, but I think it's a lot easier and I'm not a man. So like, I don't want to like put this like, I don't know, but my guess would be for men, it is easier to say, I want to grow in the physical health and.

26:25
Um, like, you know, like working out, I want to, that is like, let's go. I can do that every day, but to tell you how I feel about this or to confront my wife on this in a healthy way, you know, that might be an area that could use some growth.

26:40
I don't know, you know? All right. So you say it's easier for a guy to go work out than it is for him to, uh, deal with like challenging emotional conversations with his wife. I don't know. What do you think?

26:51
What are your thoughts, Matt? Sounds about right. For a lot of guys, I don't know. I mean, some guys, if they're glued to the couch, you know, I mean, I guess in that case, they're actually less willing to have the conversation because I think what I'm realizing as I say this working out may hurt, but having that conversation hurts more than some way there's more resistance there.

27:15
Um, but, but I think if, if you sort of, so when you exercise, one thing that gets released in your brain is like a miracle grow, it's like a brain derived neuro factor. So you're literally waking things up.

27:28
And now you've got a system that probably is more adaptable, aggressive, energetic, and now you've got the capacity to now have these conversations about your relationship or the capacity to have the patience for your kids and your employees and whoever else around you.

27:46
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I feel like working out is like the best pill drink you can do to make you literally produce the right things to feel better. I've been saying that for decades, like if you're not feeling good, like move your body, do something that is going to get like your, like you need to get this blood flowing, you know, the more we like, you know, reach for these other things, like alcohol is such a big one that I could talk about forever.

28:16
Like that is like the worst program our culture pushes on people and it does not make you feel better. nothing good about it. Well, you're talking to a lot of New Orleanians and then this is their sacrament.

28:31
So yeah, I mean, you guys can feel how you feel about this. I won't be offended at all. But my belief is alcohol is there to harm you. Someone told me once like when you're trying to change a habit and trying to stop something that like if you have a slightest belief that it's not good for you, say that it's poison, like you are putting poison in your body.

28:57
And I feel like that's such a big mind shift, right? If you can really get behind that, but also like reality. Tell me, give me some benefits of alcohol. Oh, actually can give you some. Okay. Let's play this.

29:13
Sure. It, it makes you more social. It's socially lubricating. That might be Number one, it can be a stress reliever. It's a way for single guys to talk to girls. Okay, I'm going to stop right there because I'd love to talk about that one.

29:38
Social, what'd you say like it helps you become more social? It's a social lubricant. Lubricant, that's the word. Why do you want to be more social? Um, you know, that's interesting because I'm often put into these situations.

29:53
I don't want to be in the first place. So why are you lying to yourself and everybody else and showing up as somebody you're never going to be unless you're intoxicated or have this social lubricant?

30:05
It's not real. I find myself in that situation. Like I tend to want to drink when I'm in a situation that I don't want to be in. Because it numbs you, right? Maybe some sort of event that I'm not excited about going to or, you know, somewhere I don't want to be in.

30:22
I'm like, man, if I'm going to have to deal with these people, then I'm going to need a drink. And that's such a like common phrase, right? Like, oh, it's wine o'clock. We got to have our glass of wine or, you know, it's just pushed so much in our culture.

30:36
Like you want to celebrate drink your sad drink, you pass a test, drink your wife left you drink, you know, and it's, it's the best. I had one client once. He wouldn't stop just like drinking all the time.

30:50
I'm like, look, you don't give me shit. Like I'm not doing my job. Like you're not getting results because you drink every day. And he walks in and he's real hungover and I'm like, all right, so what's the reason, you know, today?

31:01
Is it football season? Is it Mardi Gras? It's spring. Oh, yeah, it's spring. He was like, I was like, well, I'll never, you know, that's that was just the best reason ever. I mean, we can put an excuse or a reason on any of it, right?

31:18
And I know that I'm in the minority here. Like I know this for a fact. Um, I just, I will say though, I feel like there's been like this trend of like, you know, there's sober October, there's dry January, like there's like these, like, like little things where people are like, let's try this, you know?

31:36
And yeah, I don't know, I'd be, I think when people really look to why they are actually drinking, aside from it being spring, like, like really, why are you drinking? That's when you have to get honest with yourself, right?

31:50
That's when you have to like, put the mirror right there and see, what am I turning to this for? And again, zero judgment, like to each their own. I just have never heard of a reason that is something that like, it's that can continue, like you drink water every day because you're going to need it, right?

32:10
Like it has so many benefits. But you drink alcohol every day, what to meet the girl, then what? Because if you can't talk to this girl, unless you're like intoxicated or you know feeling a little loose um what's gonna happen like the rest of your marriage and guess what honey that's not the girl for you like find somebody who likes you for who you are when you don't need you know so yeah sorry i could like appreciate that well i've actually got a question for the listeners here's my question what would your i've got a few questions what would your weekend look like this is just for the listeners what would your weekend look like the most exciting weekend that you can imagine without alcohol what would you do that weekend who would you hang out with where would you go what would you do and then think about all right what if what if it was your week and it had to be the most exciting week ever and everything was awesome and it was the best you were inspired you were motivated you were peaceful you were happy you were joyous they were loving everywhere what would that week look like and no alcohol what does that look like so just open up your brain for a second and think about that christen do you have any other comments on that no i think that's a great question and also just like you know we talk a lot in pcu about your ideal day you know what is if if you can't think of a weekend or a week like just think of one day like if you have one day where it was the best day you could have what does that look like you know we talked about these limiting beliefs and people you know i need alcohol it's probably a limiting belief and i think we've we flush that that went up pretty good there's also people fall into this uh this victim mentality tell me about that yeah um again like a program you know i think that not everybody at all but this is why i'm like so intrigued about like family systems um i really believe that like who we are as adults has so much to do with like our upbringing and our family structure um who we surrounded by and and not to say that like that's what makes you but there's stuff about your your past and your family system that like creates who you are today.

34:30
And that's how we're all unique. Like that's how you have a family where you can have you know, two boys and a family but yet such different experiences and their upbringing and such different adults show up, right?

34:42
It's just how life happens. And so I love digging into family systems and birth order and siblings and you know, just relationships because I really believe that's what makes us who we are. And in that, if I there was a study once done that kids that didn't go through some sort of trauma before like say 18 or 20, whatever.

35:10
if you didn't go through some sort of trauma and your first traumatic experience, and even if it's like, there's big T, little T's we talk about, right? Even if it was a little T, your first traumatic experience wasn't until adulthood, that person that experienced trauma in their childhood knows how to experience trauma as an adult.

35:32
So if like basically you were exposed to something that was traumatic, it could be a divorce or it doesn't have to be like I was raped, right? It can be like just even little things like I was bullied in school, right?

35:45
When you experience those things as a child, you then have the tools as an adult when hard things happen, you know what to do. Kids that were shelved like helicopter parents or like, I will do everything for you, coddled kids that don't ever experience hardships in their childhood.

36:07
And then experience trauma as an adult, their response to trauma is night and day. They do not know how to handle it. And that's where I think this victim mentality can come in where it's like, they just won't have the skills and how to deal with hardships.

36:26
And then it's like, it's everybody else's fault, right? Like I am always going to be hurt or I don't know, like someone who's never been bullied or just had people solve problems for them. Yes. So then they never had to develop the skills to be resilient.

36:45
Yeah. So I just even have the mindset of like, this is going to end, you know, like this isn't going to be forever. So you're talking to a client, what are the types of things that they say and now for you to identify that and then where do you take them psychologically?

37:02
What's that conversation like? Well, Matt, that's why I don't, I try not to work with people. anymore because because they're fixed and there's not much you can do to change them if they're they're they're fixed.

37:16
How do you unfix some mindset you show people what's possible you tell them stories about other people but sometimes they're just determined huh. Yeah. Honestly, I feel like this this this needs more of a therapy approach.

37:30
You know coaching approach wouldn't be it would be challenging for people that have these like fixed fixed mindsets and that's honestly why I switched like the group of the clientele that I work with.

37:42
Um but it would be a lot of different like therapy modalities that you'd have to work through but at the end of the day, honestly, my belief is is like people are not going to change until they want to change.

37:54
We can talk to we're blue in the face. You can give me as much money as you want. Like you are not going to change until you are ready to change and Maybe it is a planting of the seed of me, like, recommending something or them going to like, you know, this thing happening where like, things are taken away.

38:14
But like, I don't know, like, so you're asking, I guess, like, how do you like, instill that change? Like, how do you encourage it? It's the stick of the cards are like, are you going to wait till things get so painful?

38:29
Yeah, then you're going to change or can you recognize what's what's what's coming and then get excited about what could be and take action? Now? Do you have to like, what's going to jolt people? What's going to get them going?

38:40
Yeah, yeah, my husband has always said, like, until the pain outweighs, like, the problem, and the victim mentality until your pain is deep enough, like, you're not going to change. So yeah, I don't know.

38:59
All right. Um, here's something I can ask you about. No, no parenting conversation would be complete without talking about kids and screen time. Kids and screen time. Some notes here, they need time to decompress how much time per week.

39:15
Really, you know, I want to tap into your experience. You've talked to so many parents and you've observed this. What have you observed about screen time and what works? What doesn't work? What are your thoughts and experience about?

39:27
Yeah, again, like, I start everything with like, everybody's different, right? Like, I think that's honestly, I keep saying that. And I think that is one thing to recognize and remember in parenting is that not all your kids are going to be the same.

39:41
So how things affect like, kid one may not affect kid four. Right? Like, it's really recognizing each kid as the individual and knowing your kid, like, it's so important to learn your child, what makes them tick.

39:56
This is a lot of work that I'll do with parents in my sessions, like, love languages, how to connect connection is huge. Connection is so important. Like, as humans, beings we want to connect and kids want that connection with their parents and it can look different for each kid so like it's funny right now how my kids are connecting with their dad and like it's blows my mind almost but it's hilarious because it's I see it they're playing Fortnite together like as a team they're like getting together and they're like let's go dad like let's you know whatever like let's attack this like and they're loving it it is such a way that they're connecting if you would have told me that like five years ago when I was a new mom or whatever when Lincoln was born so eight years ago when I was a new mom like that if I'd be okay with my kids doing that I'd be like no especially with their dad so that's also I think a really important thing is to like have this growth mindset is to do the research see what is you know safe obviously I think safety is a huge thing you want to make sure your kids are safe in what they're doing but also like knowing like what makes your kids tick and the different ways that they can connect so in screen time Uh,

41:04
again, every family is different. And that's like what I love about coaching. When people come to me, like I asked them like, what do you want? You know what I mean? What's your outcome here? What goal do you want?

41:15
Like, do you want to have a rigid schedule? Do you want to have like boundaries? Like some people like function so well with that, or do you want to have something that you're looking for? Like, is it like a behavior pattern that you want to avoid or you want to grow in?

41:29
Um, so I think that's really important just knowing what your goals are and what you're looking for in this. Um, with that, I will say screens, like there's definitely downsides to them. Right. Like it definitely can give us like ADHD to where like we're constantly needing like things to change.

41:51
Right. Right now, like I have so many screens in front of me that my husband's desk and like, there's all these, it's like, it creates this like, uh, sense of like busyness, right. And like, even developmentally, like there's shows out there that are not good for young kids brains because the, the screen is constantly, the picture is constantly changing and it's training their brain to be like looking at something versus like it being there for a while and then changing.

42:16
Um, I don't know, like the digital terms or like the like technical terms for that. I have no idea, Matt. That's not my area to some extent. Like, I mean, do we have to condition them for the world? They're about to enter.

42:29
That is quick moving. Um, you know, we have to condition them to like learn how to use these, these tools, hopefully more for creation than for consumption. Yes. And that's where I think it's like, it's, it's a really big statement to say all screens are bad because they're not like they can be things that help us grow and learn and, and resources like crazy, you know, so it's just, I think, learning how to use them well.

42:56
Um, and yeah, and also I think a big thing too is checking yourself. a screen is your babysitter. That is something I've run into with clients that is common that, you know, they'll say like, it's an easy babysitter, it's a free babysitter, and they're not wrong.

43:16
It's true. The kids zone out and you can do whatever you want, you know, within reason. And that is something that I would challenge clients. It's just like, okay, how much are you using this as a growing tool?

43:28
And how much are you using it as like a babysitting service? Yeah, I think I certainly want to be aware of that. And then I want to highlight what you said before, you know, look at what you want and what your outcome in life is.

43:44
And if you're there, and other issues aren't arising, and things are going well, like you don't have to obsess about screen time if things are good. Absolutely. Yeah, I feel like that's another thing we can like make it a God almost to where it's like, okay, you've had the 30 minutes for the day, like.

44:03
She's just like, okay, how's everybody doing? Let's check the pulse here. I want to keep going here. I like this question. What comes to mind when I say, what is the best advice you've ever received?

44:23
So for somebody who has, you know, I definitely had a lot of trauma in my childhood and things that were in my, most of them were out of my control. Some things were in my control. And I think the best advice like in my, I would say like the last like five years or so, I feel like I've really done a lot of deep work and just like, let me stop.

44:50
Because of that trauma, a piece of that what like created me as a young adult and like what formed me was control. I needed to be in control all the time because I felt like if I wasn't in control, I wasn't safe.

45:05
Safety was a big thing for me. And so how that's like translated into my adult world is that I could be like considered very type A and very like a, like song about programs. Like I like to know what's coming.

45:21
I like to like see, you know, the big picture. And that was kind of a way that I protected myself. And in growing through this, as we all do, as you know, no matter what age you are, there's always like an opportunity to grow and change.

45:37
I've realized that it feels so good for like me to just let it go. To like take off the need to feel in control and trust the process. Trust that, you know, there's a reason that this is happening. I mean, it could be something as silly as like running, like getting a traffic light, you know, like before that used to like bother me, like, oh, why am I getting by your friends?

46:03
like, you know, it's like, relax. And that was more in my early 20s. And now it would be like, oh, people canceling plans or, you know, things that are completely out of my control that change my world.

46:17
And or relationships ending, you know, I've gone through, there's been a season lately in my life where some pretty major relationships that matter to me have ended. And just accepting that for what it is.

46:30
And not allowing my like, just honestly, letting go trusting the process and knowing that there's a greater purpose and lesson in this. And even if I can't see it right now or understand it that like, it will pan out.

46:46
Right? Yeah, I always catch myself with this one, how we can grant ourselves to to just it's like having faith that it's all gonna work out. Yeah, yeah. And honestly, Matt, my faith has been like, such a big part in me being able to walk in this area, in this space, just knowing I'm a Christian and I have my relationship with Jesus is so important to me, my relationship with God.

47:12
And knowing that there's somebody bigger than myself that is above all of this and really trusting in him and trusting that he can see way further than I can and understand even in the hurts and the brokenness that he has, there's a reason for all of it.

47:30
That has been like super helpful for me too, and even just my mentality, like, cause it's like, how do you walk through a storm when you're in a hard time and still have joy? You know, how do you find joy when everything's breaking around you?

47:47
And don't get me wrong, it's okay to have to be sad. It's okay to, to mourn, right? But to like stay in that space of sorrow for a long time, is it healthy for anybody? So even in the hardships that we all will go through or have gone through, how can you, how do we find joy?

48:08
And for me, it is my relationship with Jesus. It's trusting that there's somebody bigger out there. There's a God that knows all of us and that loves all of us. And he, it, he cares for me, like me of all, like these billions of people in the world and he cares for me.

48:27
That helps me then find joy and just know that like, I can let go, I can like release this control. I don't have to be the manager of it all. Yeah, it's not random. All right, that was the best advice you've ever received.

48:46
What's the worst advice you've ever received? Probably that there's like one way to get a solution, right? There's like one path to find the answer. Yeah, in growing, I feel like I've learned that like, whether you go like from A to C, and you end up there, or if you go A B and C and you end up there, like you're still getting to see.

49:13
And so I think when we're told like, you know, there's only one way to do this, and you got to like, follow this way. I think that's an easy way to get into like a trapped mindset into where you're not able to grow, because sometimes going a different way than you had planned is sometimes when like the most beautiful gifts happen and lessons come about.

49:35
Yeah, and it kind of reminds me of like, like, I've got like, I was, you know, at age 31, I was a single guy. And I've got buddies who are 40 my age that they're single and like they, some of them live some pretty interesting lives.

49:50
And I'm like, wow, I couldn't went that way and was happy or I went this way. And I'll be happy and then I'll converge back at some point with having a house full of kids. But yeah, I think there's, you know, you can find happiness if you focus on the things in your life that make you happy and you keep your focus there.

50:10
Absolutely. All right. You want to do some rapid fire questions? Okay, I'll try. What was your favorite food when you were a kid? Pizza. All right. Who wouldn't say pizza? Does anyone have said pizza?

50:28
Yeah, who wouldn't say pizza? Oh, who wouldn't? Yeah. Who doesn't like pizza? Sometimes I'll have an email titled the pizza diet just to get people to open it. Yeah, because who's not opening that? If you could have a meal with anyone dead or alive, who would it be?

50:44
And what would you eat? Dead or alive? Okay. This might get some like, different opinions right now, just because of what's going on in the media with this person. But I like Blake Lively. Oh, we just watched the movie like two days ago.

51:05
Yes, I really like her. But however, there's like this weird thing going on with like her castmate. And I don't, I don't follow it. I don't know. Like, I'm sure there's so many people out there that know what's really happening.

51:17
I don't. But for I like to stay like kind of naive purposely, because don't mess her up for me. Okay, I like her. She's best friends with Taylor Swift. Yeah, that part I'm not okay with. Like, I feel like that doesn't align with me.

51:33
I mean, Taylor would feel how you want to feel about her. She's not my cup of tea. But I like Blake, so I don't know. An ice cream would probably just have some ice cream. Or sushi. I like sushi too.

51:46
Perfect. Which book has influenced you the most? Hunt Gather Parent is a book that I have read like so many times because it's so opposite here we go with programs again of how we're programmed in America to be parents it's amazing look it up hunt gather parent it is such a good read I like I said I've read it like so many times because I'm trying to like instill that into my parenting and I use a lot of my practice too if I if you depict one thing that if you hadn't read that book you'd be doing it this way but since you read the book now you're doing it that way is there something that you can identify yeah um giving your kids a million directives versus not don't give them directors or give them tons don't all right so just create space and just to see what happens I mean you give them a directive and then let it be versus like get your shoes on get your shoes on I said get your shoes on can you get your shoes on three seconds to get your shoes on right like we are just constantly talking to our kids And this book talks about creating space for it to be quiet and to be still.

53:03
And so it's really cool like this woman she's I'll just give you kind of like a brief idea of what the book's about and if you're interested or not. But she was a journalist in San Francisco and like a very busy part of the world.

53:16
Her life was very busy and she was like, what do people parent like around the world? So she went to three different countries and they were like tribal countries and she went in there and actually took her like I think her daughter was like three at the time took her with her and because she was having a lot of issues with parenting her three-year-old daughter tantrums and just like it wasn't going well and took her with her on this research journey and to write this book and like realize like wow as Americans we do stuff so different than all these other countries around the world and one of the big things that like I took away from it is that we need constant noise constant stimulation and how for children that creates just a place of chaos for them and a place where it's harder to grow and to learn and to listen and so it talks about like even our toys like think about all of your kids toys like age four and under like or three and under how much of them are noise toys like do it like you know it's like like it's just like constant noise you know um versus just like kids going and playing with like a stick or like nothing like nature you know like going into nature and find stuff but anyway she watched these other families where like it was a mother in like a smaller hut obviously and got like four of her school-age children ready for school in 20 minutes like fed dressed out the door in 20 minutes um was saying like two words and they just had this like system and this rhythm that they like knew how to work together teamwork um and she would it's funny in the book she would do like or it'd be like like hand signals or stuff like they're like it was like watching like a third baseman coach and you know doing all these things and like they knew what they meant and so if for as a parent then for me I'm like wow what how much energy does that save you know like how much like my tank is so much fuller when I don't have to say something this many times so she has you do like a practice exercise it's like all right for 30 minutes you're only allowed to give two directives for 30 minutes any time of your day yeah and to me there's there's this quote that I really like it's um if you've got six hours to chop down a tree I'm gonna spend the first four hours sharpening the axe my guys have heard me say this a thousand times and if you prepare and you do things right on the front end so like if you sit down and have the patience when situations present themselves to explain things to your children,

55:58
to educate them. And you have the energy and time to do that on the front end. Yes. And you do things correct. If you have the time to read a book on gathering parent on the front end and do all this stuff, then you can snap your fingers and the house is neat and the kids are ready.

56:13
So do we have the energy to do that, you know? Yes, yeah, yep. And they say too, which is so real, like the bigger the kid, the bigger the problem. And so if you're not able to create a system of discipline and respect and just a well-flowing like family system in the beginning, these are the situations then when like the kid is out and not coming home when he's supposed to or she's supposed to or teen pregnancies,

56:49
like they get bigger problems then that they don't necessarily, not that a pregnancy is a problem, but you know what I mean? That's not necessarily the track they wanted their life to be on at 16. All right, last question.

57:03
What is your favorite hype song? My favorite hype song? Well, you just said snap your fingers and that's what you're scared about. Do you know what you're talking about? You had one. I know, I can tell you that one, but you said snap your fingers.

57:24
On here, I did say Willie by No Big Deal. It's just a fun song I like lifting too. But yeah, I don't know. I like a lot of the like early 2000, like late 90s, 2000 hip hop and R&B, it's fun stuff. Well, you know, any music that people grew up listening to when they were like 18-ish, they continue to listen to it for the rest of their life.

57:49
We're like, that's like their music. So like when I had people come into the gym to work out, I'm like, hey, so would you listen to when you were like 18- and shows their age, huh, you can figure it out.

57:58
Well, I know what music gets them feeling young again, it gets them, you know, getting educated. That's so true, that's a great point. All right, let's wrap this up. What if somebody needs your help?

58:11
What can they find? Sure, so honestly, probably emailing me is the best way. I can provide you with my email. Well, tell us now and then we'll add to the show notes too. Okay, it's chris, C-R-I-S dot Meyer, M-E-Y-E-R, the number one at gmail.com.

58:36
Kristin Meyer at gmail.com, chris.myer1 at gmail.com. Kristin, thank you so much for sharing your expertise today. It was an honor to have you here. Thanks for having me, Matt. All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed your walk and we'll see you next time.

58:53
Bye-bye.